growing up.

Suddenly i feel like time has just gone by me so fast again. Yi was supposed to remind me of SATs but yeah, shit happens. Now i'm wondering whether to do SATs at all. I know i've been bent on leaving the country for "greener pastures". The so called more classy places in europe, the bright lights of london and the four seasons etc. If i remember one of my earlier post i said study hard and get scholarship even. That was till recently when i've got a sudden change of heart. Maybe i'm really going nuts now. Or maybe it's my family background that my thinking is just so screwed up. Call me crazy if you want...

I think it started with the world champs. The sight and sounds not many have the chance to experience first hand. I'm sure many of you readers won't know how it feels to line up beside titans, to walk amongst them and interact with them. These people so dedicated to their passion, they forgo education, harm themselves with medication, spend hours repeating an action which doesn't really have any significance in our age of speed boats and motors. I admire their courage and dedication.

I admit i'm a dreamer. I dream about things that are impossible and out of reach. Things that i might never achieve in my life. Some of those dreams are so unrealistic with no financial backbone. One of them is to make an olympic final in flatwater racing. At the start of the year during PC period we were supposed to talk about our future ambitions. I told my class i would like to make an olympic final. The first thing my teacher asked was, "what about a real job". As a singaporean, it's hard to achieve in sports because of the sport system, the education system and our physical disadvantages. People say there's no future, no money. Money always is the biggest problem. But i've dreamt this dream since watching the titans at the Athens olympics. They are literally titans amongst europeans. There's no way anyway who isn't as serious as them can come close to matching them.

With this as while as the coming IB examinations and results, the time to make a choice on a university will come sooner or later. Sooner than most A level students that's for sure as our results are released earlier and we know exactly what we have to work with. So the question is whether to give the universities over there a shot, or stick here in singapore and try to take a road not taken. I don't think scholarship appeals so much to me anymore and the only reason i can say this is because my family is more well to do. If not i'll be rushing and shoving my way to get one. Financial reasons is what the world revolves about. The bonds aren't attractive. I like freedom to choose and that isn't what i'll get. Not say i'll confirm get one anyway. I'm not say very smart or study very hard type.

So overseas or local. To tell you the truth i don't really know now. Overseas wil be so fun. So many new things to see and experience. Canoeing will also disappear from my life for a long time. No presence in singapore, no selection, no dream to fulfil. If local, can save money, i wont see the world, I might try 2 years of serious training. Without study. Even if it's hopeless, I might still try. At least when i die i won't think back and regret. There's so much regret over the past years already. Enough is enough.

I'm playing with my life...
that's not good....

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Gymnopédie No.1- a song for rainy days.